Fortune cookies

Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.

Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.

Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.

He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

He who plays with self, pulls boner.

Baseball all wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.

House without toilet is uncanny.

Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.

Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman have more.

Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.

Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.

Man who plays with self pulls boner.

Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep sh*t.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Man who suck woman's tit make clean breast of things.

Man who walk in middle of road get run over by bus.

Wife not part of furniture, until screwed on bed.

Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding bag.

Man who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Don't sweat the petty stuff ... and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.

Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.

Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.

A story in text

The following text exchange between my dear friend, Zander, and I took place today.

Me: Just got a wrong number TEXT asking "do u wanna hookup?" I replied u have wrong number but gl on ur hookup.

Zander:You should have said 'send me a pic of your penis and I will think about it'

Me:Rofl. Damn. Didn't think of that!

Me: Omg. He just asked me how old I am. I said prob old enuf to b his mom. He asked again. I said 38 he said he's 27 wanna hookup? I said no thnx but gl. WTFG???

Zander: Are you 38 or 83? The gods are telling u to dust off the bat cave and get laid!

Me: Giggle. The bats swooping out might give him a heart attack. Then I'd hafta call 911. Then the medics would see my bat cave. Then they would pass out.

Me: Then I'd get arrested for serial death by hoohoo, would be on all the trashy tv shows, my family would be horrified, the court would be cheering, the cats would be homeless. All cause I wanted to get a little. So no. I think I'll pass on that for now.

Zander: Death by hoo hoo: the serial killer and her bat cave on the next Oprah.

Me: Rofl. Exactly! And Tyra would say that HER hoohoo is more killer than mine.

Me: Giggle..is what u & I r having a "textversation"? And did I just invent that word?

And people tell me I'M the crazy one?